Goodbye, 2009..

Year 2009, fast paced for sure, full of exciting memories, devastating events, and regrets that will be known as the past. Many twist and turns were driven throughout 2009 but thankfully I made it to the end. I await the true friendships that develop, love, success, good health, and better memories in 2010. Although I am skeptical about what is to come, I will strive to make the best of every day in 2010. Without a doubt I do not want to repeat any of my past regrets. Some spontaneous events were definately in effect of 2009, however this year I will double check before making any quick decisions to save myself and others as well.

2009 brought tears of joy and sadness. I will not forget my grandfather and how much he struggled. I will not forget Curt leaving for Iraq and how much we've all missed him. I will not forget the hurt I brought upon some people through my actions. I will remember finishing my first year of college and beginning a new year at a new invitng college. I will remember the ABC party at ASU with my girls. I will remember the family outtings on the lake. I will remember all the advice I earned from those special people.

In 2010, I want to walk everyday with my head held high even when I am struggling. I think a smile on your face all the time can only brighten anothers sad day. I've been told to never stop smiling by members at my work because it only brings them up to see someone cheerful. I want 2010 to bless with in strength and extra guidence through the tough times. I know it will be another struggling year of school and dilemmas but I am determined to be vulnerable to every aspect. I do not want to fear my choices by rather approach them with confidence. I am almost twenty years old which does make me seem old. Old, like an adult, taking on more and more responsibility that means to those of you not quite there......

On a lighter note, I look forward to having more memorable events with friends, making up with old ones, and living life to its fullest potential in one year! Thank you friends and family for making 2009 a survivable one and enjoyable to say the least. I love you all and wish you all the best of luck on your New Years resolutions!!

Love,

Samantha

Don't Fall Unless You're Okay With Getting Hurt...

You know how people say that you only fall in love once? I quite frankly find that true. Although I've stated before "Im too young to be in love", I feel that one time in my life, I was. Now I'm not saying that in my past life or whatever...none of the reincarnation junk...but a few years ago, ya know like real teeny years. When I think about this I think of that oh so famous Taylor Swift song, 15, "Cause when you're 15 somebody tells you they love you, your going to believe it", yeah that one. For the example I'm giving however, the words "I love you" were never said. But you know those moments adults always talk about when you know you are in love? Like, your heart beats crazily and you feel almost sick to your stomach every time you talk to that person. Or you become sweaty at the palms and all you can do is laugh at everything they say even when it's not even that funny. Its moments like these we should reflect on and ask ourselves, is that love? For me, when I was a freshman I had those feelings. This particular person in mind would make me giggle that nervous laugh and he would make my heart beat funny in a good way. Everytime I heard his voice or thought about him all I could do was smile. He made everything seem perfect and that nothing would ever hurt me. Ha, unfortunately in the end I was hurt. I had all these feelings that added up and equalled LOVE. Or so I thought. Now, when I think someone is in love, I feel that that certain connection between the two could never be broken and its forever. This love bond that I thought I had broke over three years finally. There was no real goodbye, no true relationship in it. It all seemed too good to be true. In fact it was, because the relationship never went anywhere past friends. Of course there were some circumstances that played a part in that which hindered moving past friends, but for some reason I still fell in love....literally. And now I look back at this "relationship" as to the reason I find it hard to fall back in love. I fell once...hint "fell" and got hurt. Who wants to fall when falling ends with pain and hurt? The reason I'm writing this blog is not to call anyone out but simply to help explain to others why I don't give in and why I have a hard time loving back the way a girlfriend should. I'm sure I will eventually grow out this mindset, but for now I hold true to it. I don't regret ever feeling the way I felt toward my "first love" but I do regret letting the falsified relationship ruin me in such a way. Lesson learned, don't fall to deep into someone unti you are sure you are ready to get hurt because with love comes pain and its expected...needless to say its definately not a bonus to it but its definately a feature to beware of. More like a warning label.

It's November...

It's been a while since I've written, just haven't had much time to do my expressions here; i've had to actually write papers for school that are well constructed and graded..yuck. So here it is, now the end of November. Thanksgiving was awesome, I had a lot of family in town and ate a lot of food. Other than that, Novembers been pretty great. A lot of things on my mind over the past few weeks, some good and some bad....but that's fairly normal. I've had many ups and downs as well dealing with new and old friendships. That's my latest update and now for some creativity...

Dreams only come true so often. We imagine forever but sooner or later the dreams must end and reality has to sink in. My psychology class has taught me about dreams and why we dream what we do. Certain dreams appear because we want that to happen and some are out of pure future events awaiting to happen. Depending on the events taken place while we are dreaming depends upon our rest mood, whether are angry or had a rough day or anxious about something to come. To be technical we dream to interpret information, activation synthesis, and development according to Sigmund Freud. Dreams help up fulfill our wishes or wants in life within a contained environment. When we remember a dream from every detail its called, Manifest content. Now, despite the facts I have given you, why do you feel you dream what you do? Is it your creativity or is it what you want?

Depending upon my day before I go to bed I believe has a huge influence on my dreams. If I had a bad day my dreams normally are not too pretty, visually or emotionally. On the contrary if I dream of good things wtih bright visions I've normally had a good day. I feel dreams tell a lot about a person. If you get someone to interpret your dreams for a week straight I'm pretty sure they could tell a lot about you before doing any prior interviewing. Making this notation, I'd love for someone to interpret some dreams I've had. I recently dreamt of driving places in a car....but the whole time the cars gears were in neutral!?!? Please explain that, because I feel I'm moving forward in my life...now that I think about it...I'm moving forward in my school life but nothing else really....hmm?

I think we should all take a look at what we dream about a little harder and analyze ourselves what we think they mean. After that, explain to a close friend what happened and see what they think it means. So sleep on this blog and sweet dreams :)

Cravings...at this particular moment

I was driving home from lunch with my mom and got these intense cravings for life:
1.carve a pumpkin
2.direct a commercial for candy
3.be in a rap/hip hop music video with gangsta sweat pants
4.go sky diving
5.run for miles without loosing breath
6.wearing a vintage dress and sitting in the middle of a field to read
7.painting the house
8.raking leaves
9.giving all my clothes away
10.going to the laundry mat to wash my comforter

that's basically it. gah i think half of those will happen :)

visions in my night view

Visions In My Night View

Below are these little lights that shine brightly,
like a bright light; reminds me of my childhood.
Right in my natural view is the big dipper, shining like it has never shinned before,
Can’t help but to admire the beauty of the sky at night,
I am taken back by my emotions; they rush from one extreme to another
Soundtrack playing on random; however all on the right tracks.
I want to stay here forever, being memorized by this sleepless night.
Imagining the future and the present,
The weight of one bears more than the other.
My mind stays contently focused to the sounds of the music
My eyes are glued to fire balls lighting this nights sky.
Satisfied to a petite, I want more.
I dream. I wonder. I realize.

When will we be ready?

My intentions made were never meant to hurt you. The things I said were not false, they did come from the heart. However, I am one to listen to my mind over my heart. Eventually in time I will learn to follow whats in my heart. I know right now is not the time for me to be involved in something. I need to figure out where i want to be. Time is an essence and I can only use it to my advantage.

We all have plenty of time to figure out where we want to be. Everyones different, some settle early others later and some....never. It shouldn't matter how long you take to figure out where you want to be in life, it should be respected. Growing up is only a small part of life, planning out what your life has in store for you is another. We fall in love and fall out of love. Things just happen like that. It's not a bipolar disorder, its just learning how to balance out what your heart and mind say. I can honestly say I've listened to my heart once and it hurt. That's why I lean towards my mind more. When something feels right it makes my heart beat faster than ever. It gets all tingly and I just can't seem to ease the feeling. I guess you can call that "love" but it just doesn't happen when I like someone, it's when I'm happy. . . . .

Tonight....

*lost*

For a nineteen year old I feel I have grown strongly in my relationship with myself. I'm not saying that I know everything about life and have a full grip on my decision but I am confident on what I currently have made decisions on. We are always told "our future lies in our hands" and we are the ones who hold the keys; true this saying is. We can regret decisions made or we can pat ourselves on the back. Unfortunately I have regreted many decisions I've made this summer. These choices I've made have been completely followed by heart over mind. Not always is this a good idea because I am constantly battling with the two opposites. Never have I had my heart and mind work together, I think this makes things extremely difficult. Coincidently I had this battle just the other day. My mind tells me no because that's what I hear from my peers, but my heart is just jumping for joy! I'm not sure if its the thought that everyone thinks its wrong for me to go that way or if it's because I really do think it's what I want. Doing something spontanious isn't really my style but this go 'round I want to be. Why does he make me think this way? My eyes light up and my heart pounces at the thought. I want to strengthen a bit in the love. section. Ha, laugh yes because I'm still, to myself even, too young to be in love. That's why I'm not ready to develop one of those relationships. Eventually my time will come and yes, love will find me. I'm not one to seek it, I will let it find me. Cliche? No. I'm just not in a rush to be in love like some people. I have a few years to settle myself into this real world before I want someone else to fall into my picture. Neither is this selfish.

Haven't Written in a While

Its been about half way through summer break and my summer has been nothing but crazy. I've gone non-stop with work, babysitting, house sitting, beach trips, and visits to friends. It seems hard to find a moment for myself or as Anthony calls it, "Sam Time". The only "Sam Time" I get seems to be early in the morning until about lunch. Which is quite relaxing because thats when I can do things like this and clean my room. The mornings are peaceful and the earlier i get up the better off I am because I can accomplish more. Now Im not one to sit around ALL day so around four I'm usually heading out the door right past my parents. Oh parents, that is one topic I need to touch on. So like I said Im hardly ever home when they are. When I am home while they are there, they say " Who are you?", "What's your name again?" Kinda fustrating but I deal. Anyways, the summer break has been marvelous. I got to spend a whole week as a nice condo babysitting for a few hours a day. I had an awesome time and would do it anytime! After that I attended the beach with my good friend kelly only to pay off her speeding ticket but it was an experience of a trip for sure :) *NOTE: Don't go during the time of grad week if you've already gone, you realize how dumb you were.* That note was taken. Not to say that all of the people I saw were, but majority of them were. From there I was babysitting for two weeks straight 8am-5pm every day. *NOTE(again): I'm not ready to work 8am-5pm days yet* Nice money but still too long of day for me. In the mean time, I somehow managed to purchase a male black lab 8wk old puppy whom is now 11 weeks and still a biter! Ouchy. His name is Henry Norman after both my grandpas. My summer has just been FILLED almost to capacity and I think Im going to retire early! Ha.

What Are We Waiting For?

“Open the eyes of my heart Lord, open the eyes of my heart. I want to see You, I want to see You”
This verse from a quite popular Christian song was what I awoke to this morning. I had my alarm set on 106.9 because I felt I needed to hear something from God. In the true sense of it all I’ve basically taken a “vacation” from God and the Bible. It’s hard for me to really understand why I allowed myself to do so. By all means I am not proud of my actions taken, but I am simply trying to fix it now.
You know when you start feeling like you have, as quoted by a good friend, “all your ducks in a row” but then at the very end of that row is one odd ball. Just something isn’t quite right? Well that’s how I began to feel not too long ago. I began to feel like something deep was missing in my life. I had everything else fairly lined up except one; God. I had left him strangling along and trying to find somewhere to fit in. This whole time I have just been saying,”I don’t have time. I’m sorry. I will get back to you later.” Well that’s obviously not the right answer. That’s not what God wanted to hear and He knew that’s not what I meant. So for over a year now he has been fighting for this position in line, to be somewhere embedded along with all the others pieces.
Recently He has been able to fit into that line and actually stand out. I’m not sure if current events are the reason for this sudden uplifting or if I really did have a moment to spare. I feel like now I am able to allow God to jump right up to the front again and fill me in on what I’ve missed out on. It’s like an old friend you haven’t seen in year. God and I, we have a lot of catching up to do. Considering God is to be like your best friend, real easy to communicate with and allows you to be yourself I am willing to allow Him back in. I feel as if He can lift the burdens and I know he can take away a lot of the pain because from past experiences that’s what He did. He has opened my eyes to better things and allowed me to worship Him in amazing environments.

love.

At this age could I truly fall in love? I’m not quite sure if that is possible for those around me to believe. At the age of nineteen do we know what love is? Quite frankly, I think we do not. We have so much to learn and to understand before we know what true love is. But, then again, what if we have a sense? We may not feel fully in love at that particular moment but afterwards we do. After the pain and suffering of breaking up you start to miss that person. You miss their smile, their voice, their laughter, their smell, their over individuality. They made you something different, or should I say yourself. You weren’t afraid to be yourself and be judged for it. They liked you for who you were and didn’t want anything different. Sadly, we don’t realize this until after we have been cut off from communication with this individual. The feelings of being comforted by that person have been gone and we begin to suffer…..again. Now for my own experience, I must say when you have been broken up for a few months little things bring back those memories; memories we loved and miss. Sometimes I catch myself thinking and dreaming and then saying “Why? Why, did it have to end?” I think I got afraid, afraid to keep moving forward, afraid of being too serious, and getting caught in the moment like some of my friends have. I never really felt like I was “in love” by any means. However, the more I ponder back and think of what things could have been, I fear love was in that image. Above all else, we learn from our mistakes and grow from others; I feel I have and have a better sense in what I need and want in life.

Originality

[Original . All compilations of parts of people who have had influence on our lives. Originality comes through in how we express that and how we treat other people. ]
As the world turns we realize that each of us has a different piece of the puzzle. Everyone on this surface has a piece that connects perfectly with another making up one enormous individual I like to call mother earth.
Luckily for us those pieces don't quite connect till later in our lives giving us this opportunity to shine our individuality. Now to me, our individuality is, as well, originality. Each fragment of a human individual is compiled with originality that makes up who we are. The great thing about these fragments is that there are some missing. Here is when we find someone else to fill in those missing pieces in which we call a friend or loved one.
According to science we act like the genes past down from our parents and can't do anything about it. Sorry, but I believe science is wrong in this case. We can change this born originality and create something new. I've always agreed with the thought that you are born with your individuality but I never could express that we are able to somewhat tweak the individual in us. We come across all sorts of people that will change our personal identity. Depending on who we grow around we simply become influenced by their thoughts and actions. For instance, when we are young we follow our parent's rules because everyone else does but when we grow older and our friends are learning to not listen we do as well. Now I don't believe peer pressure truly takes place here I think it's because we grow off each other.
We are influenced by everything. It may take a few years before we truly compile our originality into one big ball but we all know that it is there, deep down. Being original is only part of life but it's probably the most important part of it. Using your own orginality will only complete the puzzle. So when you are feeling like there is no one out there for you just remember you have pieces missing in you that will soon be filled.

Dirt

[i wrote this over the summer...]

Stepping out into the dark red dirt of my new home I gain a sense of "unusualty". Never has there been this sort of feeling from my body. I feel lost on this new ground and unsure of its surrounds. How do I cope with this feeling of discomfort?
I walk. I bounce. I run. I feel the ground. I get a sense of familiarity. To deal you have to adjust. I notice the differences and point out the negatives and positives. What makes this ground better than the one before. Well, this ground is red, not brown. This makes things a bit more vibrant, new and edgy. I feel like I can rebel just a little. Not too much or I might end up in another un-known land; something I'd rather not visit again. Not only does this ground look different it feels different. The texture is tougher, like clay. This must co-op with the rebellious state, the tough texture balances it out. Even though it may be wild and out there, the strength doesn't allow it to go too far.
I enjoy the idea that this substance can reflect the emotions and the feelings of a person. Everything around us has a positive and a negative to simply balance it out. Both traits can be visualizations of ones actual emotions. Not only emotions but personalities too.
This dark red ground is the ground I walked when I first moved to North Carolina; the hard clay substance that ruins everything white. So in one stand point you can say that the South takes the purity out of an individual or it can bring a tid bit of rebel in someone. The dirt I once use to walk on was brown black and broke easily. From my point of view, this just means that no matter what things kept falling apart and were unable to be fixed. Now that I stand on hard clay my personality and over all well-being is at a better place.

No Longer on a Cloud

Standing alone on the face of this earth unaware of her surroundings. Blank face but not blank minded. Her thoughts run sporadically through her mind, causing her eyes to expand wider than the sun. Some think she is on drugs but those who know her know she is just thinking. She is letting her mind take control and create this world of chaos. Nothing can stop it, not a single word or person. They can try and snap her back but she won't. She won't let go of these thoughts in her mind. She will hold them forever in her mind, not as a grudge but as memory; for these thoughts aren't anything to hold against anyone but herself. She won't snap back into reality because this, this mindset is reality. Try, you can to lead her in a new direction but her mind is made up. She won't nudge to the left because she falls to only to the right. She's stubborn in her own sense because she follows what she believes is right. In her mind, everything isn't picture perfect like she dreamt one night. You can only think things are perfect but her mind, her mind tells the truth, the reality of the picture. Friends and family pursue her to follow her dreams however she has a hard time standing on that line. The line she wants to follow keeps breaking more and more to the point where nothing can hold it back together. She is slowly breaking down, become a part of the earth. Her reality is so real that she know longer dreams in the clouds. This makes her different from you; while you stand pretty on the clouds dreaming away she is becoming grounded on this earth. Invisible to the rest, blending into the neutral colors and no longer a shining star in the clouds. Her mind will never retain these dreams because she is afraid of being let down again. She has been hurt too many times and realizes what she knows if truth and there is no room for dreams. So while you are standing on that cloud, shining with all the others, look down, see this girl of earth blend and say a prayer and try to get her to look up again.

Quick Thoughts

Concluding another decent weekend with no worries I decided to write what I began thinking on my way back to school. The depressing thoughts didn't hit me until about halfway back when I went from happy go lucky mood to a LARGE HARD WALL OF UHHH. I don't know what it is but maybe school is reality check for me. I honestly can say college isn't fully what I had expected, it's a lot worse. I thought I could have big dreams and complete them, work hard without being distracted. I was definately wrong. So many outside issues have come into my way of school and getting to my dreams. I guess that's part of the challenges we are to expect but day after day...come on. Seriously, it's depressing how day after day you get nailed in the head with something to put you down. Sometimes it may not even be on purpose but you take it that way because everything and everyone is out to get you.
I get tired of missing the past and wishing things were like they use to be. I really do. I'm ready to be excited about the future or even the next day. I can't seem to grasp the idea that tomorrow is a new day and it has new beginnings. I guess I don't look forward to it because for so long I have witnessed challenge after challenge. I'm tired, restless, annoyed, frustrated, aggravated, and stressed. I wish for once, during the week I'd have a really good day. Not missing anyone, not feeling heartbroken, not like a failure, just have a good day. I wish someone would grant something like that on me; to enjoy one day with no bad news.
On my drive home I began to think of what it would be like to not be in school and not have to worry about how my actions would effect others. It's hard to see those images. I worry about everyone and I usually try to put everyone else first. I want to be able to let go of everything and just live life. I get tired of these "rules of life" and just want to be FREE.

Spring Cleaning

To collobrate the feelings I've been having, those feelings that have been tied into a little, tiny, one inch bottle, filled with a million emotions is ready to burst. It is ready to explode and start fresh. I'm ready to start over with a new emotion and new feelings. I'm tired of living in the past and looking into the future. I'm ready to live in the present and look into the future. Although today I am sick, and so my feelings are a little rambled, I can say, I am no longer confused, no longer debating with myself, no longer seeking to retreive the past. I am ready to move two steps forward and maybe one step back.
It is time to start fresh because well quite frankly it is Spring time. I believe in new beginnings and being something. I want to stand my ground more than I have ever stood it. I want to scream off a mountain top and not care what it does to my vocal cords. I want to run my life without hesitation without stupid massive speed bumps(like the ones on the intramural side of UNC-Charlotte campus). I'm ready to be something in my life, do what I want to do again, and not let anyone, or anything take that away from me.
I guess in all reality I'm going to be ME.

I Just Needed This...

In times of hurt and pain sometimes I just enjoy to write. I am able to express my emotions whether someone else can understand it or not. I can say what I feel in so many ways, I know what it means. I don't do this to simply let everyone know how I'm feeling, I do this for myself. It's the easiest way to tell myself what I feel and what I think. I can reread it and reflect later on. You may ask then why don't you do this on a piece of paper, when simply I feel like it doesn't matter. This is organized, I'm an organized person....I want my thoughts and emotions to run in this same stream.

This expression is simply from the heart. A lot of ideas, memories, thoughts, moments, whatever have been drilling my head. I can't think anymore about it. I am unable to grasp and make sense of everything at once. I wish things would smoothly run out one at a time peacefully, unfortunately I know for a fact they won't. Do you ever feel that for one moment in your life when things are going great for you, something in the back of your head says "life isn't this great" ? Something will always come back to ruin your day, your perfect moment, your dream. That's just how life seems to always go. We are granted these "perfect" days for a time frame and then one heavy weight just comes crashing down on your parade. We can never be fully happy. But don't you just hate when things are finally getting back to normal and then seven different thoughts fly into your head and they are all negative. It's like running into a brick wall and you just keep hitting it...you can't bust around it for nothing.

Its like you hit this wall you try to bust through it again but you just bounce right back. Funny sounded image maybe but your trying so hard to get past it all and you just get hurt even more? For something to become good again things have to get worse first. That's just one of those golden rules I've always heard. No matter what things get worse before getting better. Which in my mind, is insane.

My mind fills with all this negativity I can't help it but burst into tears. You just don't understand why now, why this moment. What have I done to deserve this? I mean hey, we all make mistakes maybe its just God's way of punishing us for stupid actions we decided to take. I know for a fact I have made some poor choices but we learn our lessons. We learn to grow from the mistakes we made to only become better and stronger people. I have made my fair share and I believe in this past year I have learned more than I have ever had. It's quite interesting.

What hurts the most though, is when you know you are going through this hard time but you feel like no one is there to support you or comfort you. You feel like everyone is your enemy and your at a lost of whom to talk to. So what do you do? Type how you feel in facebook to the world...write a blog like I have? No, you talk to the one, the one who can and will always be there. He's your best friend and will be all ears and in time will reply. No, I'm not talking about your dog, I'm talking about God. He is everyones best friend and father. He will never leave your side even when he may not be next to yours. You CAN count on him. God has his way of listening and returning your prayers. That's what I love about him, I know he's good. I can trust him and ask him to forgive me. He is one of the most forgiving people I know.

When you are hurting or sad try hard not to wear it on your face and let the world know. Just talk to the man, God and clear out your mind rest your eyes and allow him to work his wonders. Your best friend doesn't need to know everything in your life. In fact sometimes, I know personally I feel I can't go to my best friend because I feel like she could care less. It's hard to find someone to talk to that actually will return advice for you, usually they just sit and smile and shrug. If I ask you to listen thats fine, but if I seem to want advice, GIVE IT!

Basically emotions get the best of me and I find it easy to write them here without being judge. If you want to judge me go ahead, you won't hurt me. I have worse things to worry about.

The ability to hold onto something needs effort and energy. Sometimes we have too many of priorties that take up most of that energy we have nothing left by the end of the day. Between school, tutoring, homework, studying, work, and sleep I currently have no extra energy left. I get just enough every day to fulfill just that there is hardly a social life involved.
I recently had to give up something I didn't want to give up. It's just not fair for the other person to work as hard as they do to make things right and I can't put in my part because I have no time or energy left. Its sad, yes, it's been pondering my mind for a while now I just finally realized I had to do something about it rather than sit on it. No, I didn't want to give up this relationship, I do care a lot for him, but I just wasn't being fair. Why put someone through the agony? I feel the decision I made was right though. I can't be upset forever and I can't feel sorry forever. Time is all we need. Just because I don't have time to be girlfriend doesn't mean I don't have time to be friend. I hope one day I can gain the time and energy to satisfy someone significant. I know it will happen, in time. But for now, I just can't seem to manage.

Hold My Hand

(After a long day of class I just wanted to sit down and write for once. It's been a while so excuse me if this doesn't sound too good. )

A fear of not being able to let you. Why do we have this fear that if we let go, we will never have it again? "it" pertaining to the feeling of love and acceptance. I am, one of many who is afraid of letting go of something we have had for so long, this love of another or the acceptance of someone. I fear letting this go may actually diminish something else in me. If I let this go everyone will see it and know that there is something missing in me. Sometimes I feel like people can see right through me and they know exactly whats wrong...those people amaze me. They truly understand me, as an individual and they have the power to sometimes put back in the pieces to whats missing.

Love is held together by a tight bond. True love is never broken and never destroyed. That just makes me think of love as matter, it can't be created nor destroyed. Now you might be thinking how can you NOT create love? I believe in fate, that it just happens, thingis just fall into place. You can't push love and make it something its not. That's just unlawful. A family love can definately not me create nore destroyed, no matter how angry or seperated we may get it will never be invisible. The bond here is within the blood, too hard to destroy there. I have a had time saying it but I honestly don't ever want to loose the relationship I have with my family because I'm afraid of never being let back in.

As for a love relationship, I believe it can be destroyed. Like I said you can't force it to create but it can be destroyed. I'm always afraid of letting go of these kind of relationships because my past shows that I never stay in touch after. It's like the bond has been cut forever and can never be glued back together. I'm so afraid of loosing something this good in my life because I know I will wear the emotions on my face.

For a brief summary, I'm afraid of loosing that love that comes from all directions. Although at time I may seem like I want to let go I just ask you not to. Hold my hand forever.....