Cravings...at this particular moment

I was driving home from lunch with my mom and got these intense cravings for life:
1.carve a pumpkin
2.direct a commercial for candy
3.be in a rap/hip hop music video with gangsta sweat pants
4.go sky diving
5.run for miles without loosing breath
6.wearing a vintage dress and sitting in the middle of a field to read
7.painting the house
8.raking leaves
9.giving all my clothes away
10.going to the laundry mat to wash my comforter

that's basically it. gah i think half of those will happen :)

visions in my night view

Visions In My Night View

Below are these little lights that shine brightly,
like a bright light; reminds me of my childhood.
Right in my natural view is the big dipper, shining like it has never shinned before,
Can’t help but to admire the beauty of the sky at night,
I am taken back by my emotions; they rush from one extreme to another
Soundtrack playing on random; however all on the right tracks.
I want to stay here forever, being memorized by this sleepless night.
Imagining the future and the present,
The weight of one bears more than the other.
My mind stays contently focused to the sounds of the music
My eyes are glued to fire balls lighting this nights sky.
Satisfied to a petite, I want more.
I dream. I wonder. I realize.

When will we be ready?

My intentions made were never meant to hurt you. The things I said were not false, they did come from the heart. However, I am one to listen to my mind over my heart. Eventually in time I will learn to follow whats in my heart. I know right now is not the time for me to be involved in something. I need to figure out where i want to be. Time is an essence and I can only use it to my advantage.

We all have plenty of time to figure out where we want to be. Everyones different, some settle early others later and some....never. It shouldn't matter how long you take to figure out where you want to be in life, it should be respected. Growing up is only a small part of life, planning out what your life has in store for you is another. We fall in love and fall out of love. Things just happen like that. It's not a bipolar disorder, its just learning how to balance out what your heart and mind say. I can honestly say I've listened to my heart once and it hurt. That's why I lean towards my mind more. When something feels right it makes my heart beat faster than ever. It gets all tingly and I just can't seem to ease the feeling. I guess you can call that "love" but it just doesn't happen when I like someone, it's when I'm happy. . . . .

Tonight....

*lost*

For a nineteen year old I feel I have grown strongly in my relationship with myself. I'm not saying that I know everything about life and have a full grip on my decision but I am confident on what I currently have made decisions on. We are always told "our future lies in our hands" and we are the ones who hold the keys; true this saying is. We can regret decisions made or we can pat ourselves on the back. Unfortunately I have regreted many decisions I've made this summer. These choices I've made have been completely followed by heart over mind. Not always is this a good idea because I am constantly battling with the two opposites. Never have I had my heart and mind work together, I think this makes things extremely difficult. Coincidently I had this battle just the other day. My mind tells me no because that's what I hear from my peers, but my heart is just jumping for joy! I'm not sure if its the thought that everyone thinks its wrong for me to go that way or if it's because I really do think it's what I want. Doing something spontanious isn't really my style but this go 'round I want to be. Why does he make me think this way? My eyes light up and my heart pounces at the thought. I want to strengthen a bit in the love. section. Ha, laugh yes because I'm still, to myself even, too young to be in love. That's why I'm not ready to develop one of those relationships. Eventually my time will come and yes, love will find me. I'm not one to seek it, I will let it find me. Cliche? No. I'm just not in a rush to be in love like some people. I have a few years to settle myself into this real world before I want someone else to fall into my picture. Neither is this selfish.

Haven't Written in a While

Its been about half way through summer break and my summer has been nothing but crazy. I've gone non-stop with work, babysitting, house sitting, beach trips, and visits to friends. It seems hard to find a moment for myself or as Anthony calls it, "Sam Time". The only "Sam Time" I get seems to be early in the morning until about lunch. Which is quite relaxing because thats when I can do things like this and clean my room. The mornings are peaceful and the earlier i get up the better off I am because I can accomplish more. Now Im not one to sit around ALL day so around four I'm usually heading out the door right past my parents. Oh parents, that is one topic I need to touch on. So like I said Im hardly ever home when they are. When I am home while they are there, they say " Who are you?", "What's your name again?" Kinda fustrating but I deal. Anyways, the summer break has been marvelous. I got to spend a whole week as a nice condo babysitting for a few hours a day. I had an awesome time and would do it anytime! After that I attended the beach with my good friend kelly only to pay off her speeding ticket but it was an experience of a trip for sure :) *NOTE: Don't go during the time of grad week if you've already gone, you realize how dumb you were.* That note was taken. Not to say that all of the people I saw were, but majority of them were. From there I was babysitting for two weeks straight 8am-5pm every day. *NOTE(again): I'm not ready to work 8am-5pm days yet* Nice money but still too long of day for me. In the mean time, I somehow managed to purchase a male black lab 8wk old puppy whom is now 11 weeks and still a biter! Ouchy. His name is Henry Norman after both my grandpas. My summer has just been FILLED almost to capacity and I think Im going to retire early! Ha.

What Are We Waiting For?

“Open the eyes of my heart Lord, open the eyes of my heart. I want to see You, I want to see You”
This verse from a quite popular Christian song was what I awoke to this morning. I had my alarm set on 106.9 because I felt I needed to hear something from God. In the true sense of it all I’ve basically taken a “vacation” from God and the Bible. It’s hard for me to really understand why I allowed myself to do so. By all means I am not proud of my actions taken, but I am simply trying to fix it now.
You know when you start feeling like you have, as quoted by a good friend, “all your ducks in a row” but then at the very end of that row is one odd ball. Just something isn’t quite right? Well that’s how I began to feel not too long ago. I began to feel like something deep was missing in my life. I had everything else fairly lined up except one; God. I had left him strangling along and trying to find somewhere to fit in. This whole time I have just been saying,”I don’t have time. I’m sorry. I will get back to you later.” Well that’s obviously not the right answer. That’s not what God wanted to hear and He knew that’s not what I meant. So for over a year now he has been fighting for this position in line, to be somewhere embedded along with all the others pieces.
Recently He has been able to fit into that line and actually stand out. I’m not sure if current events are the reason for this sudden uplifting or if I really did have a moment to spare. I feel like now I am able to allow God to jump right up to the front again and fill me in on what I’ve missed out on. It’s like an old friend you haven’t seen in year. God and I, we have a lot of catching up to do. Considering God is to be like your best friend, real easy to communicate with and allows you to be yourself I am willing to allow Him back in. I feel as if He can lift the burdens and I know he can take away a lot of the pain because from past experiences that’s what He did. He has opened my eyes to better things and allowed me to worship Him in amazing environments.