Haven't Written in a While

Its been about half way through summer break and my summer has been nothing but crazy. I've gone non-stop with work, babysitting, house sitting, beach trips, and visits to friends. It seems hard to find a moment for myself or as Anthony calls it, "Sam Time". The only "Sam Time" I get seems to be early in the morning until about lunch. Which is quite relaxing because thats when I can do things like this and clean my room. The mornings are peaceful and the earlier i get up the better off I am because I can accomplish more. Now Im not one to sit around ALL day so around four I'm usually heading out the door right past my parents. Oh parents, that is one topic I need to touch on. So like I said Im hardly ever home when they are. When I am home while they are there, they say " Who are you?", "What's your name again?" Kinda fustrating but I deal. Anyways, the summer break has been marvelous. I got to spend a whole week as a nice condo babysitting for a few hours a day. I had an awesome time and would do it anytime! After that I attended the beach with my good friend kelly only to pay off her speeding ticket but it was an experience of a trip for sure :) *NOTE: Don't go during the time of grad week if you've already gone, you realize how dumb you were.* That note was taken. Not to say that all of the people I saw were, but majority of them were. From there I was babysitting for two weeks straight 8am-5pm every day. *NOTE(again): I'm not ready to work 8am-5pm days yet* Nice money but still too long of day for me. In the mean time, I somehow managed to purchase a male black lab 8wk old puppy whom is now 11 weeks and still a biter! Ouchy. His name is Henry Norman after both my grandpas. My summer has just been FILLED almost to capacity and I think Im going to retire early! Ha.

What Are We Waiting For?

“Open the eyes of my heart Lord, open the eyes of my heart. I want to see You, I want to see You”
This verse from a quite popular Christian song was what I awoke to this morning. I had my alarm set on 106.9 because I felt I needed to hear something from God. In the true sense of it all I’ve basically taken a “vacation” from God and the Bible. It’s hard for me to really understand why I allowed myself to do so. By all means I am not proud of my actions taken, but I am simply trying to fix it now.
You know when you start feeling like you have, as quoted by a good friend, “all your ducks in a row” but then at the very end of that row is one odd ball. Just something isn’t quite right? Well that’s how I began to feel not too long ago. I began to feel like something deep was missing in my life. I had everything else fairly lined up except one; God. I had left him strangling along and trying to find somewhere to fit in. This whole time I have just been saying,”I don’t have time. I’m sorry. I will get back to you later.” Well that’s obviously not the right answer. That’s not what God wanted to hear and He knew that’s not what I meant. So for over a year now he has been fighting for this position in line, to be somewhere embedded along with all the others pieces.
Recently He has been able to fit into that line and actually stand out. I’m not sure if current events are the reason for this sudden uplifting or if I really did have a moment to spare. I feel like now I am able to allow God to jump right up to the front again and fill me in on what I’ve missed out on. It’s like an old friend you haven’t seen in year. God and I, we have a lot of catching up to do. Considering God is to be like your best friend, real easy to communicate with and allows you to be yourself I am willing to allow Him back in. I feel as if He can lift the burdens and I know he can take away a lot of the pain because from past experiences that’s what He did. He has opened my eyes to better things and allowed me to worship Him in amazing environments.

love.

At this age could I truly fall in love? I’m not quite sure if that is possible for those around me to believe. At the age of nineteen do we know what love is? Quite frankly, I think we do not. We have so much to learn and to understand before we know what true love is. But, then again, what if we have a sense? We may not feel fully in love at that particular moment but afterwards we do. After the pain and suffering of breaking up you start to miss that person. You miss their smile, their voice, their laughter, their smell, their over individuality. They made you something different, or should I say yourself. You weren’t afraid to be yourself and be judged for it. They liked you for who you were and didn’t want anything different. Sadly, we don’t realize this until after we have been cut off from communication with this individual. The feelings of being comforted by that person have been gone and we begin to suffer…..again. Now for my own experience, I must say when you have been broken up for a few months little things bring back those memories; memories we loved and miss. Sometimes I catch myself thinking and dreaming and then saying “Why? Why, did it have to end?” I think I got afraid, afraid to keep moving forward, afraid of being too serious, and getting caught in the moment like some of my friends have. I never really felt like I was “in love” by any means. However, the more I ponder back and think of what things could have been, I fear love was in that image. Above all else, we learn from our mistakes and grow from others; I feel I have and have a better sense in what I need and want in life.

Originality

[Original . All compilations of parts of people who have had influence on our lives. Originality comes through in how we express that and how we treat other people. ]
As the world turns we realize that each of us has a different piece of the puzzle. Everyone on this surface has a piece that connects perfectly with another making up one enormous individual I like to call mother earth.
Luckily for us those pieces don't quite connect till later in our lives giving us this opportunity to shine our individuality. Now to me, our individuality is, as well, originality. Each fragment of a human individual is compiled with originality that makes up who we are. The great thing about these fragments is that there are some missing. Here is when we find someone else to fill in those missing pieces in which we call a friend or loved one.
According to science we act like the genes past down from our parents and can't do anything about it. Sorry, but I believe science is wrong in this case. We can change this born originality and create something new. I've always agreed with the thought that you are born with your individuality but I never could express that we are able to somewhat tweak the individual in us. We come across all sorts of people that will change our personal identity. Depending on who we grow around we simply become influenced by their thoughts and actions. For instance, when we are young we follow our parent's rules because everyone else does but when we grow older and our friends are learning to not listen we do as well. Now I don't believe peer pressure truly takes place here I think it's because we grow off each other.
We are influenced by everything. It may take a few years before we truly compile our originality into one big ball but we all know that it is there, deep down. Being original is only part of life but it's probably the most important part of it. Using your own orginality will only complete the puzzle. So when you are feeling like there is no one out there for you just remember you have pieces missing in you that will soon be filled.

Dirt

[i wrote this over the summer...]

Stepping out into the dark red dirt of my new home I gain a sense of "unusualty". Never has there been this sort of feeling from my body. I feel lost on this new ground and unsure of its surrounds. How do I cope with this feeling of discomfort?
I walk. I bounce. I run. I feel the ground. I get a sense of familiarity. To deal you have to adjust. I notice the differences and point out the negatives and positives. What makes this ground better than the one before. Well, this ground is red, not brown. This makes things a bit more vibrant, new and edgy. I feel like I can rebel just a little. Not too much or I might end up in another un-known land; something I'd rather not visit again. Not only does this ground look different it feels different. The texture is tougher, like clay. This must co-op with the rebellious state, the tough texture balances it out. Even though it may be wild and out there, the strength doesn't allow it to go too far.
I enjoy the idea that this substance can reflect the emotions and the feelings of a person. Everything around us has a positive and a negative to simply balance it out. Both traits can be visualizations of ones actual emotions. Not only emotions but personalities too.
This dark red ground is the ground I walked when I first moved to North Carolina; the hard clay substance that ruins everything white. So in one stand point you can say that the South takes the purity out of an individual or it can bring a tid bit of rebel in someone. The dirt I once use to walk on was brown black and broke easily. From my point of view, this just means that no matter what things kept falling apart and were unable to be fixed. Now that I stand on hard clay my personality and over all well-being is at a better place.

No Longer on a Cloud

Standing alone on the face of this earth unaware of her surroundings. Blank face but not blank minded. Her thoughts run sporadically through her mind, causing her eyes to expand wider than the sun. Some think she is on drugs but those who know her know she is just thinking. She is letting her mind take control and create this world of chaos. Nothing can stop it, not a single word or person. They can try and snap her back but she won't. She won't let go of these thoughts in her mind. She will hold them forever in her mind, not as a grudge but as memory; for these thoughts aren't anything to hold against anyone but herself. She won't snap back into reality because this, this mindset is reality. Try, you can to lead her in a new direction but her mind is made up. She won't nudge to the left because she falls to only to the right. She's stubborn in her own sense because she follows what she believes is right. In her mind, everything isn't picture perfect like she dreamt one night. You can only think things are perfect but her mind, her mind tells the truth, the reality of the picture. Friends and family pursue her to follow her dreams however she has a hard time standing on that line. The line she wants to follow keeps breaking more and more to the point where nothing can hold it back together. She is slowly breaking down, become a part of the earth. Her reality is so real that she know longer dreams in the clouds. This makes her different from you; while you stand pretty on the clouds dreaming away she is becoming grounded on this earth. Invisible to the rest, blending into the neutral colors and no longer a shining star in the clouds. Her mind will never retain these dreams because she is afraid of being let down again. She has been hurt too many times and realizes what she knows if truth and there is no room for dreams. So while you are standing on that cloud, shining with all the others, look down, see this girl of earth blend and say a prayer and try to get her to look up again.

Quick Thoughts

Concluding another decent weekend with no worries I decided to write what I began thinking on my way back to school. The depressing thoughts didn't hit me until about halfway back when I went from happy go lucky mood to a LARGE HARD WALL OF UHHH. I don't know what it is but maybe school is reality check for me. I honestly can say college isn't fully what I had expected, it's a lot worse. I thought I could have big dreams and complete them, work hard without being distracted. I was definately wrong. So many outside issues have come into my way of school and getting to my dreams. I guess that's part of the challenges we are to expect but day after day...come on. Seriously, it's depressing how day after day you get nailed in the head with something to put you down. Sometimes it may not even be on purpose but you take it that way because everything and everyone is out to get you.
I get tired of missing the past and wishing things were like they use to be. I really do. I'm ready to be excited about the future or even the next day. I can't seem to grasp the idea that tomorrow is a new day and it has new beginnings. I guess I don't look forward to it because for so long I have witnessed challenge after challenge. I'm tired, restless, annoyed, frustrated, aggravated, and stressed. I wish for once, during the week I'd have a really good day. Not missing anyone, not feeling heartbroken, not like a failure, just have a good day. I wish someone would grant something like that on me; to enjoy one day with no bad news.
On my drive home I began to think of what it would be like to not be in school and not have to worry about how my actions would effect others. It's hard to see those images. I worry about everyone and I usually try to put everyone else first. I want to be able to let go of everything and just live life. I get tired of these "rules of life" and just want to be FREE.