Goodbye, 2009..

Year 2009, fast paced for sure, full of exciting memories, devastating events, and regrets that will be known as the past. Many twist and turns were driven throughout 2009 but thankfully I made it to the end. I await the true friendships that develop, love, success, good health, and better memories in 2010. Although I am skeptical about what is to come, I will strive to make the best of every day in 2010. Without a doubt I do not want to repeat any of my past regrets. Some spontaneous events were definately in effect of 2009, however this year I will double check before making any quick decisions to save myself and others as well.

2009 brought tears of joy and sadness. I will not forget my grandfather and how much he struggled. I will not forget Curt leaving for Iraq and how much we've all missed him. I will not forget the hurt I brought upon some people through my actions. I will remember finishing my first year of college and beginning a new year at a new invitng college. I will remember the ABC party at ASU with my girls. I will remember the family outtings on the lake. I will remember all the advice I earned from those special people.

In 2010, I want to walk everyday with my head held high even when I am struggling. I think a smile on your face all the time can only brighten anothers sad day. I've been told to never stop smiling by members at my work because it only brings them up to see someone cheerful. I want 2010 to bless with in strength and extra guidence through the tough times. I know it will be another struggling year of school and dilemmas but I am determined to be vulnerable to every aspect. I do not want to fear my choices by rather approach them with confidence. I am almost twenty years old which does make me seem old. Old, like an adult, taking on more and more responsibility that means to those of you not quite there......

On a lighter note, I look forward to having more memorable events with friends, making up with old ones, and living life to its fullest potential in one year! Thank you friends and family for making 2009 a survivable one and enjoyable to say the least. I love you all and wish you all the best of luck on your New Years resolutions!!

Love,

Samantha

Don't Fall Unless You're Okay With Getting Hurt...

You know how people say that you only fall in love once? I quite frankly find that true. Although I've stated before "Im too young to be in love", I feel that one time in my life, I was. Now I'm not saying that in my past life or whatever...none of the reincarnation junk...but a few years ago, ya know like real teeny years. When I think about this I think of that oh so famous Taylor Swift song, 15, "Cause when you're 15 somebody tells you they love you, your going to believe it", yeah that one. For the example I'm giving however, the words "I love you" were never said. But you know those moments adults always talk about when you know you are in love? Like, your heart beats crazily and you feel almost sick to your stomach every time you talk to that person. Or you become sweaty at the palms and all you can do is laugh at everything they say even when it's not even that funny. Its moments like these we should reflect on and ask ourselves, is that love? For me, when I was a freshman I had those feelings. This particular person in mind would make me giggle that nervous laugh and he would make my heart beat funny in a good way. Everytime I heard his voice or thought about him all I could do was smile. He made everything seem perfect and that nothing would ever hurt me. Ha, unfortunately in the end I was hurt. I had all these feelings that added up and equalled LOVE. Or so I thought. Now, when I think someone is in love, I feel that that certain connection between the two could never be broken and its forever. This love bond that I thought I had broke over three years finally. There was no real goodbye, no true relationship in it. It all seemed too good to be true. In fact it was, because the relationship never went anywhere past friends. Of course there were some circumstances that played a part in that which hindered moving past friends, but for some reason I still fell in love....literally. And now I look back at this "relationship" as to the reason I find it hard to fall back in love. I fell once...hint "fell" and got hurt. Who wants to fall when falling ends with pain and hurt? The reason I'm writing this blog is not to call anyone out but simply to help explain to others why I don't give in and why I have a hard time loving back the way a girlfriend should. I'm sure I will eventually grow out this mindset, but for now I hold true to it. I don't regret ever feeling the way I felt toward my "first love" but I do regret letting the falsified relationship ruin me in such a way. Lesson learned, don't fall to deep into someone unti you are sure you are ready to get hurt because with love comes pain and its expected...needless to say its definately not a bonus to it but its definately a feature to beware of. More like a warning label.

It's November...

It's been a while since I've written, just haven't had much time to do my expressions here; i've had to actually write papers for school that are well constructed and graded..yuck. So here it is, now the end of November. Thanksgiving was awesome, I had a lot of family in town and ate a lot of food. Other than that, Novembers been pretty great. A lot of things on my mind over the past few weeks, some good and some bad....but that's fairly normal. I've had many ups and downs as well dealing with new and old friendships. That's my latest update and now for some creativity...

Dreams only come true so often. We imagine forever but sooner or later the dreams must end and reality has to sink in. My psychology class has taught me about dreams and why we dream what we do. Certain dreams appear because we want that to happen and some are out of pure future events awaiting to happen. Depending on the events taken place while we are dreaming depends upon our rest mood, whether are angry or had a rough day or anxious about something to come. To be technical we dream to interpret information, activation synthesis, and development according to Sigmund Freud. Dreams help up fulfill our wishes or wants in life within a contained environment. When we remember a dream from every detail its called, Manifest content. Now, despite the facts I have given you, why do you feel you dream what you do? Is it your creativity or is it what you want?

Depending upon my day before I go to bed I believe has a huge influence on my dreams. If I had a bad day my dreams normally are not too pretty, visually or emotionally. On the contrary if I dream of good things wtih bright visions I've normally had a good day. I feel dreams tell a lot about a person. If you get someone to interpret your dreams for a week straight I'm pretty sure they could tell a lot about you before doing any prior interviewing. Making this notation, I'd love for someone to interpret some dreams I've had. I recently dreamt of driving places in a car....but the whole time the cars gears were in neutral!?!? Please explain that, because I feel I'm moving forward in my life...now that I think about it...I'm moving forward in my school life but nothing else really....hmm?

I think we should all take a look at what we dream about a little harder and analyze ourselves what we think they mean. After that, explain to a close friend what happened and see what they think it means. So sleep on this blog and sweet dreams :)

Cravings...at this particular moment

I was driving home from lunch with my mom and got these intense cravings for life:
1.carve a pumpkin
2.direct a commercial for candy
3.be in a rap/hip hop music video with gangsta sweat pants
4.go sky diving
5.run for miles without loosing breath
6.wearing a vintage dress and sitting in the middle of a field to read
7.painting the house
8.raking leaves
9.giving all my clothes away
10.going to the laundry mat to wash my comforter

that's basically it. gah i think half of those will happen :)

visions in my night view

Visions In My Night View

Below are these little lights that shine brightly,
like a bright light; reminds me of my childhood.
Right in my natural view is the big dipper, shining like it has never shinned before,
Can’t help but to admire the beauty of the sky at night,
I am taken back by my emotions; they rush from one extreme to another
Soundtrack playing on random; however all on the right tracks.
I want to stay here forever, being memorized by this sleepless night.
Imagining the future and the present,
The weight of one bears more than the other.
My mind stays contently focused to the sounds of the music
My eyes are glued to fire balls lighting this nights sky.
Satisfied to a petite, I want more.
I dream. I wonder. I realize.

When will we be ready?

My intentions made were never meant to hurt you. The things I said were not false, they did come from the heart. However, I am one to listen to my mind over my heart. Eventually in time I will learn to follow whats in my heart. I know right now is not the time for me to be involved in something. I need to figure out where i want to be. Time is an essence and I can only use it to my advantage.

We all have plenty of time to figure out where we want to be. Everyones different, some settle early others later and some....never. It shouldn't matter how long you take to figure out where you want to be in life, it should be respected. Growing up is only a small part of life, planning out what your life has in store for you is another. We fall in love and fall out of love. Things just happen like that. It's not a bipolar disorder, its just learning how to balance out what your heart and mind say. I can honestly say I've listened to my heart once and it hurt. That's why I lean towards my mind more. When something feels right it makes my heart beat faster than ever. It gets all tingly and I just can't seem to ease the feeling. I guess you can call that "love" but it just doesn't happen when I like someone, it's when I'm happy. . . . .

Tonight....

*lost*