Dirt

[i wrote this over the summer...]

Stepping out into the dark red dirt of my new home I gain a sense of "unusualty". Never has there been this sort of feeling from my body. I feel lost on this new ground and unsure of its surrounds. How do I cope with this feeling of discomfort?
I walk. I bounce. I run. I feel the ground. I get a sense of familiarity. To deal you have to adjust. I notice the differences and point out the negatives and positives. What makes this ground better than the one before. Well, this ground is red, not brown. This makes things a bit more vibrant, new and edgy. I feel like I can rebel just a little. Not too much or I might end up in another un-known land; something I'd rather not visit again. Not only does this ground look different it feels different. The texture is tougher, like clay. This must co-op with the rebellious state, the tough texture balances it out. Even though it may be wild and out there, the strength doesn't allow it to go too far.
I enjoy the idea that this substance can reflect the emotions and the feelings of a person. Everything around us has a positive and a negative to simply balance it out. Both traits can be visualizations of ones actual emotions. Not only emotions but personalities too.
This dark red ground is the ground I walked when I first moved to North Carolina; the hard clay substance that ruins everything white. So in one stand point you can say that the South takes the purity out of an individual or it can bring a tid bit of rebel in someone. The dirt I once use to walk on was brown black and broke easily. From my point of view, this just means that no matter what things kept falling apart and were unable to be fixed. Now that I stand on hard clay my personality and over all well-being is at a better place.

No Longer on a Cloud

Standing alone on the face of this earth unaware of her surroundings. Blank face but not blank minded. Her thoughts run sporadically through her mind, causing her eyes to expand wider than the sun. Some think she is on drugs but those who know her know she is just thinking. She is letting her mind take control and create this world of chaos. Nothing can stop it, not a single word or person. They can try and snap her back but she won't. She won't let go of these thoughts in her mind. She will hold them forever in her mind, not as a grudge but as memory; for these thoughts aren't anything to hold against anyone but herself. She won't snap back into reality because this, this mindset is reality. Try, you can to lead her in a new direction but her mind is made up. She won't nudge to the left because she falls to only to the right. She's stubborn in her own sense because she follows what she believes is right. In her mind, everything isn't picture perfect like she dreamt one night. You can only think things are perfect but her mind, her mind tells the truth, the reality of the picture. Friends and family pursue her to follow her dreams however she has a hard time standing on that line. The line she wants to follow keeps breaking more and more to the point where nothing can hold it back together. She is slowly breaking down, become a part of the earth. Her reality is so real that she know longer dreams in the clouds. This makes her different from you; while you stand pretty on the clouds dreaming away she is becoming grounded on this earth. Invisible to the rest, blending into the neutral colors and no longer a shining star in the clouds. Her mind will never retain these dreams because she is afraid of being let down again. She has been hurt too many times and realizes what she knows if truth and there is no room for dreams. So while you are standing on that cloud, shining with all the others, look down, see this girl of earth blend and say a prayer and try to get her to look up again.

Quick Thoughts

Concluding another decent weekend with no worries I decided to write what I began thinking on my way back to school. The depressing thoughts didn't hit me until about halfway back when I went from happy go lucky mood to a LARGE HARD WALL OF UHHH. I don't know what it is but maybe school is reality check for me. I honestly can say college isn't fully what I had expected, it's a lot worse. I thought I could have big dreams and complete them, work hard without being distracted. I was definately wrong. So many outside issues have come into my way of school and getting to my dreams. I guess that's part of the challenges we are to expect but day after day...come on. Seriously, it's depressing how day after day you get nailed in the head with something to put you down. Sometimes it may not even be on purpose but you take it that way because everything and everyone is out to get you.
I get tired of missing the past and wishing things were like they use to be. I really do. I'm ready to be excited about the future or even the next day. I can't seem to grasp the idea that tomorrow is a new day and it has new beginnings. I guess I don't look forward to it because for so long I have witnessed challenge after challenge. I'm tired, restless, annoyed, frustrated, aggravated, and stressed. I wish for once, during the week I'd have a really good day. Not missing anyone, not feeling heartbroken, not like a failure, just have a good day. I wish someone would grant something like that on me; to enjoy one day with no bad news.
On my drive home I began to think of what it would be like to not be in school and not have to worry about how my actions would effect others. It's hard to see those images. I worry about everyone and I usually try to put everyone else first. I want to be able to let go of everything and just live life. I get tired of these "rules of life" and just want to be FREE.

Spring Cleaning

To collobrate the feelings I've been having, those feelings that have been tied into a little, tiny, one inch bottle, filled with a million emotions is ready to burst. It is ready to explode and start fresh. I'm ready to start over with a new emotion and new feelings. I'm tired of living in the past and looking into the future. I'm ready to live in the present and look into the future. Although today I am sick, and so my feelings are a little rambled, I can say, I am no longer confused, no longer debating with myself, no longer seeking to retreive the past. I am ready to move two steps forward and maybe one step back.
It is time to start fresh because well quite frankly it is Spring time. I believe in new beginnings and being something. I want to stand my ground more than I have ever stood it. I want to scream off a mountain top and not care what it does to my vocal cords. I want to run my life without hesitation without stupid massive speed bumps(like the ones on the intramural side of UNC-Charlotte campus). I'm ready to be something in my life, do what I want to do again, and not let anyone, or anything take that away from me.
I guess in all reality I'm going to be ME.

I Just Needed This...

In times of hurt and pain sometimes I just enjoy to write. I am able to express my emotions whether someone else can understand it or not. I can say what I feel in so many ways, I know what it means. I don't do this to simply let everyone know how I'm feeling, I do this for myself. It's the easiest way to tell myself what I feel and what I think. I can reread it and reflect later on. You may ask then why don't you do this on a piece of paper, when simply I feel like it doesn't matter. This is organized, I'm an organized person....I want my thoughts and emotions to run in this same stream.

This expression is simply from the heart. A lot of ideas, memories, thoughts, moments, whatever have been drilling my head. I can't think anymore about it. I am unable to grasp and make sense of everything at once. I wish things would smoothly run out one at a time peacefully, unfortunately I know for a fact they won't. Do you ever feel that for one moment in your life when things are going great for you, something in the back of your head says "life isn't this great" ? Something will always come back to ruin your day, your perfect moment, your dream. That's just how life seems to always go. We are granted these "perfect" days for a time frame and then one heavy weight just comes crashing down on your parade. We can never be fully happy. But don't you just hate when things are finally getting back to normal and then seven different thoughts fly into your head and they are all negative. It's like running into a brick wall and you just keep hitting it...you can't bust around it for nothing.

Its like you hit this wall you try to bust through it again but you just bounce right back. Funny sounded image maybe but your trying so hard to get past it all and you just get hurt even more? For something to become good again things have to get worse first. That's just one of those golden rules I've always heard. No matter what things get worse before getting better. Which in my mind, is insane.

My mind fills with all this negativity I can't help it but burst into tears. You just don't understand why now, why this moment. What have I done to deserve this? I mean hey, we all make mistakes maybe its just God's way of punishing us for stupid actions we decided to take. I know for a fact I have made some poor choices but we learn our lessons. We learn to grow from the mistakes we made to only become better and stronger people. I have made my fair share and I believe in this past year I have learned more than I have ever had. It's quite interesting.

What hurts the most though, is when you know you are going through this hard time but you feel like no one is there to support you or comfort you. You feel like everyone is your enemy and your at a lost of whom to talk to. So what do you do? Type how you feel in facebook to the world...write a blog like I have? No, you talk to the one, the one who can and will always be there. He's your best friend and will be all ears and in time will reply. No, I'm not talking about your dog, I'm talking about God. He is everyones best friend and father. He will never leave your side even when he may not be next to yours. You CAN count on him. God has his way of listening and returning your prayers. That's what I love about him, I know he's good. I can trust him and ask him to forgive me. He is one of the most forgiving people I know.

When you are hurting or sad try hard not to wear it on your face and let the world know. Just talk to the man, God and clear out your mind rest your eyes and allow him to work his wonders. Your best friend doesn't need to know everything in your life. In fact sometimes, I know personally I feel I can't go to my best friend because I feel like she could care less. It's hard to find someone to talk to that actually will return advice for you, usually they just sit and smile and shrug. If I ask you to listen thats fine, but if I seem to want advice, GIVE IT!

Basically emotions get the best of me and I find it easy to write them here without being judge. If you want to judge me go ahead, you won't hurt me. I have worse things to worry about.

The ability to hold onto something needs effort and energy. Sometimes we have too many of priorties that take up most of that energy we have nothing left by the end of the day. Between school, tutoring, homework, studying, work, and sleep I currently have no extra energy left. I get just enough every day to fulfill just that there is hardly a social life involved.
I recently had to give up something I didn't want to give up. It's just not fair for the other person to work as hard as they do to make things right and I can't put in my part because I have no time or energy left. Its sad, yes, it's been pondering my mind for a while now I just finally realized I had to do something about it rather than sit on it. No, I didn't want to give up this relationship, I do care a lot for him, but I just wasn't being fair. Why put someone through the agony? I feel the decision I made was right though. I can't be upset forever and I can't feel sorry forever. Time is all we need. Just because I don't have time to be girlfriend doesn't mean I don't have time to be friend. I hope one day I can gain the time and energy to satisfy someone significant. I know it will happen, in time. But for now, I just can't seem to manage.

Hold My Hand

(After a long day of class I just wanted to sit down and write for once. It's been a while so excuse me if this doesn't sound too good. )

A fear of not being able to let you. Why do we have this fear that if we let go, we will never have it again? "it" pertaining to the feeling of love and acceptance. I am, one of many who is afraid of letting go of something we have had for so long, this love of another or the acceptance of someone. I fear letting this go may actually diminish something else in me. If I let this go everyone will see it and know that there is something missing in me. Sometimes I feel like people can see right through me and they know exactly whats wrong...those people amaze me. They truly understand me, as an individual and they have the power to sometimes put back in the pieces to whats missing.

Love is held together by a tight bond. True love is never broken and never destroyed. That just makes me think of love as matter, it can't be created nor destroyed. Now you might be thinking how can you NOT create love? I believe in fate, that it just happens, thingis just fall into place. You can't push love and make it something its not. That's just unlawful. A family love can definately not me create nore destroyed, no matter how angry or seperated we may get it will never be invisible. The bond here is within the blood, too hard to destroy there. I have a had time saying it but I honestly don't ever want to loose the relationship I have with my family because I'm afraid of never being let back in.

As for a love relationship, I believe it can be destroyed. Like I said you can't force it to create but it can be destroyed. I'm always afraid of letting go of these kind of relationships because my past shows that I never stay in touch after. It's like the bond has been cut forever and can never be glued back together. I'm so afraid of loosing something this good in my life because I know I will wear the emotions on my face.

For a brief summary, I'm afraid of loosing that love that comes from all directions. Although at time I may seem like I want to let go I just ask you not to. Hold my hand forever.....