Some Encouragment For Non-Bloggers.....

Have you ever felt the urge to just write all your emotions and thoughts down? Not for everyone else to see, just for your personal eyes-to make you personally feel better? Well, if you think about it, what is the difference between making a personal list for your eyes and only and writing in a blog that is suppose to be public? There is not much difference, however I don't feel like everyone puts down their exact emotions on a blog because they are afraid of hurting someones feelings. Honestly I can say I am guilty of just that. I have written things directed towards particular individuals, changed names around to fit a mysterious character, and even lied about a few emotions I was feeling at the moment. Is this true blogging though? To hide what you want to say? Blogging should be a free spirited environment where judgment is not allowed. Who really should care about what you wrote about, how you wrote it, or whose name you substituted in? It's blogging, it is free, it is what the creation, it is you. You're blog should describe you in every matter. If your preference is scattered writing, write scattered thoughts; if you prefer short phrases, be short with people. Do not hide your true creativity through a blog, this is where you should express yourself and your thoughts with out being harmed. So go ahead....blog.

Single Status is Okay by Me

Well so what if love doesn't come this way now. So what if I test the waters and move on. So what if I decide to stay single for a little longer. What does it matter to anyone else? As much as I think how nice it is to be with someone else who loves you and is there for you, that is all in my future. As of this moment, this time frame, I am able to enjoy being single and alone. I don't mean to say alone like it is a bad thing, I mean to say it as a term on relationship status. I don't need someone to hold my hand, I don't need someone to know my every move, I don't need someone to be my balance. I want to be hands free, be random and off balance a little right now. Afterall, I am turning 21 in a few days (16days). I've had my space respected and I've had nice faces to meet, I am just not wanting to be 2. Yes, the company is nice especially on a boring night, but that's what your girlfriends are for and when they aren't, Sex and the City! I need to be free, explore some more, stand my own ground, understand what is best for me, figure out a few more things, and then make my table for 1 and table for 2! So let me fly, far away and be this person I want to be right now....

3 Day Snow Day--SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!

The beginning of my spring semester started last Thursday, Jan 7th, 2011. Two of the five days we have actually attended school. Unfortunately the wonderful Mother Nature and Jack Frost decided to make some activity and cause cancellations. One day is okay, two days is pushing it, but three days in a row is a little ridiculous. Yes I love my family, they are so fun--for so long. Doing the same thing for three days in a row with the same people is old; I hate repetition. It makes my bones cringe. Although there is repetition in a lot of things we do in life, there is usually a change of pace when you can actually break that repetition. However, these three days have been awfully hard to take a new direction when you can't even leave your driveway. Snow is wonderful, it's pretty, calming, and cold. I do not like that it causes delays though....especially this week. I am not one to sit around ever. Even when I had my wisdom teeth pulled, two days later I was still on meds and ready to leave the house; in which I did sit miserably somewhere besides my house. Also, when I had surgery in August I was able to get out two days after, while still on meds, and I went out on a motorcycle ride for goodness sake! So therefore, the only thing I guess I can do while "snowed in" is to write here on this very blog, oh and play endless amounts of Wii Bowling. An actual positive to my "lock in" is I found my old iPod, and therefore listening to some old school music! Woo, go me! I hate sitting around-I've cleaned/organized my already clean and organized room. I've done all 2 whole assignments I was given from my second day of school and even some. I gave my dog a bath and brushed him. Cleaned the rest of the house, downloaded new apps on the new iPod, won a game of poker against my parents, and read my new Glamour magazine. I even took an hour nap and ate dinner. I would say it has been a productive day at the 'Kropski' household. Oh yeah, this is also another reason why I wished I lived on my own because I would actually have a roommate that is willing to do whatever to get out of the house/apt. I am just ready to get over this snow and start my spring semester off right--oh and those days I planned on using to go visit people, ha forget it, those days will now be officially made up and oh yeah my spring break of 2 days will most likely be even more non-existent than it already is. Thank you snow day--really!

Fading Love

Never I-
felt so sad.
I feel so alone
and your so mad.

My intentions
were of innocence.
But you act
so upset since.

Never was this
to be,
Such an obstacle
in my eyes that see.

Oblivious am I?
I suppose so,
since now I cry.

Forever on my mind,
wondering where you are.
The memories will
not be forgotten no-
matter how far.

All this awkward end
and broken hearts
will never tear
this apart.

Imma Do Me

It's the end of 2010 finally. This stressful, exhausting, emotional year is finally rearing towards an end...thank goodness. I must say with the new year in full swing I am not prepared for what 2011 has to offer. There are some many plans that are coming into the future I am unsure of how I need to handle them. For starters, it's somewhat my last semester of college, I turn 21, I'm getting closer to my dream of having a place of my own, and new relationships are starting to develop. As much as I am ready to put a cap on this year of 2010, I am not ready to pop the top on 2011. I've never felt so much like an adult and so scared to move forward in life. Unfortunately, the saying, "there is only one way, and that is up" is so true. You can only move forward because some genius has yet to invent a "back-in-time" clock yet. However, I am not sure I would like to replay some of my past... on another note, I am ready to experience the adult life I am just not sure my mind is ready to handle everything. Living stress free would be wonderful. The girls had an idea that we should all move to the beach over the summer and get away from the stress. How amazing would that be? Work at the beach, live at the beach, and be away from everyday life. Getting away from reality for a few months would satisfy my stressed out mind/body/soul. I just need to learn to live in the moment and stress about the future. It drives everyone crazy to think about tomorrow when we should be worried about today, right now, this second. My future goal for 2011 is to rejoice the moment await the future with a stress free attitude....

"Sweet" Summer Time(ugh.)

The saying, "sweet summertime" is, to me, overused and abused. Since when is summer suppose to be sweet? It is hot, humid, full of drama, and long. Don't get me wrong, I love having a break from the school work; however, I feel more drama is produced which causes stress and breakups within relationships(friends, boys and girls).
I wish every week over the summer I could escape to a new destination to stay everywhere but HOME. The entertainment of new environments and new people can only strengthen your mind and your acceptance for natures beauty.....I guess. More so I am leaning towards strengthening your mind. You can take a photographic memory and turn it into something realistic. The images I have seen outside of HOME I have created into a collage within my mind, these images create a new sense of happiness. It's like a getaway from the real world. A getaway from what this "sweet" summertime is suppose to hold.
This whole summer of mine has been far from sweet. I'd just like to give this summer of 2010 the title of plan ol' "summer"; subtract the sweetness and replace it with bittersweet.

Heartbreakers..

The first beat of a heart is just the beginning of life. The first scream or cry of a newborne is the waking moment of that new life. The heart continiously beats day after day allowing that individual to laugh, cry, breathe, sing, talk, live, and most importantly love. Biologist or not, the heart is more than just a blood pump of survival, it's the emotional feeder as well. For those of you who "don't have a heart" aka cold hearted, you can stop reading here because you will have no idea as to what I am talking about. The heart feels pain that the eyes and mind create. When you see something tragic your heart just clinches, when you hear something awful your heart feels like it just dropped into your stomache, and when the person you care about the most has left you in some shape or form your heart crumples into little tiny pieces. The heart is emotion! No matter what the situation is your heart will gather in the pain and create that feeling as if your heart has stopped beating. . . . have you ever experienced that? Have you ever felt like for a few moments in that tragic, awful time your heart completely stopped functioning? That feeling of your heart stopping is almost like a little piece of you died on the inside. All those heart beats you allowed during those moments of good times were just taken away by the words spoken from or the action taken.
Your heart will create this moment of pain but thankfully it begins to piece itself back together. With out the time to heal our hearts would break down and continue to do so time after time until there is nothing left. But thank goodness for good friends and family to help the building process and bring yourself back to where you once were.

Sex and the City: Distances

Ladies, have you ever just finished watching a great chick flick and just made a really big sigh afterwards? For a split second...or more so the time length of the film, you were in the shoes of that ever so lucky actress and her fantasy lines. After your extremely overexaggerated sigh you then are snapped back into reality and realize there is no way on earth life will ever play out that way!

Oh, it's fun to imagine and dream and to place your current man into the scene as well. Yes, I'd like to admit after watching 'Sex and the City 2' I replaced Mr. Big for my current boyfriend and the infamous Carrie Bradshaw as myself. Every minute of emotion Carrie felt, I felt that exact same way. If I were in her shoes at any time and moment of that movie I am very much asured that I'd have the exact same reactions her character did. Ironic? Some may say that I felt that way just because I was "in the zone of 'Sex and the City'", when really, I think the character portrays a lot of the same emotions and morals I do.

[To be honest, many may think that me writing like I am is trying to pretend I'm something I'm not. However, I'd like to state that I've always enjoyed writing and blogging in this sense of fashion; 'Sex and the City' has just inspired me to continue writing the way I do. ]

What I learned most of the movies many life...or should I say LOVE lessons is that no matter the distance it's how you feel when you are together and what you make of it then that really matters. Distance is just an obstacle that tries to get in the way of letting true love work for the best. You should never be afraid of how far you are from the person you care about most because if you both know that when you are together "sparks" fly still, then it is meant to be. You can be an hour away to 3000 miles away and it wouldn't matter. If you are truly, madly head over heels for someone the distance is just a grain of sand on that relationship.

february.

Have you ever been frustrated at yourself? Like when you say you aren't going to do something but for some reason you do? Or, you make a new years resolution to do better on certain things in life but you mess up sooner than later? It is one of the most annoying pet peeves I have of myself. I get so annoyed when I tell myself I'm going to do something differently and then I always find some how to screw that up. Why can't it be a little easier to follow the right path of change? I guess it takes a lot of motivation and faith in yourself....maybe?

With the month of Febraury being the month of LOVEEE, I find it appropriate to write something along those lines. (However the more I think about it, the more I realize that's all I really write about.) In the past week, I've noticed a few things about me that relate to love. I try not to let myself fall in love too fast, or at all. I'm not too keen on letting a guy into my life especially when I know I'm not ready for the commitment. Dating is fun but, man is it exhausting. I get tired of doing the same old thing all the time with someone different all the time. Can we just put a pause on dating and then just one day our prince charming will fall in front of us and then you get married? Would that not be nice? I guess it wouldn't be for those who love to adventure out with different guys. Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting in the same blank room, same boring table, same burning candle, same dinner meal and just a different look and personality in front of me. I guess that is to some extent good, because I've met a wide variety of guys. I am just tired of "sitting".

The day I allow myself to fall in love I will no longer be sitting...I'll be standing on top of the world above those who are sitting. However, do not rush me to make that climb because I'm not ready to stand yet. I've got a few years of sitting before I want to stand tall.

Goodbye, 2009..

Year 2009, fast paced for sure, full of exciting memories, devastating events, and regrets that will be known as the past. Many twist and turns were driven throughout 2009 but thankfully I made it to the end. I await the true friendships that develop, love, success, good health, and better memories in 2010. Although I am skeptical about what is to come, I will strive to make the best of every day in 2010. Without a doubt I do not want to repeat any of my past regrets. Some spontaneous events were definately in effect of 2009, however this year I will double check before making any quick decisions to save myself and others as well.

2009 brought tears of joy and sadness. I will not forget my grandfather and how much he struggled. I will not forget Curt leaving for Iraq and how much we've all missed him. I will not forget the hurt I brought upon some people through my actions. I will remember finishing my first year of college and beginning a new year at a new invitng college. I will remember the ABC party at ASU with my girls. I will remember the family outtings on the lake. I will remember all the advice I earned from those special people.

In 2010, I want to walk everyday with my head held high even when I am struggling. I think a smile on your face all the time can only brighten anothers sad day. I've been told to never stop smiling by members at my work because it only brings them up to see someone cheerful. I want 2010 to bless with in strength and extra guidence through the tough times. I know it will be another struggling year of school and dilemmas but I am determined to be vulnerable to every aspect. I do not want to fear my choices by rather approach them with confidence. I am almost twenty years old which does make me seem old. Old, like an adult, taking on more and more responsibility that means to those of you not quite there......

On a lighter note, I look forward to having more memorable events with friends, making up with old ones, and living life to its fullest potential in one year! Thank you friends and family for making 2009 a survivable one and enjoyable to say the least. I love you all and wish you all the best of luck on your New Years resolutions!!

Love,

Samantha

Don't Fall Unless You're Okay With Getting Hurt...

You know how people say that you only fall in love once? I quite frankly find that true. Although I've stated before "Im too young to be in love", I feel that one time in my life, I was. Now I'm not saying that in my past life or whatever...none of the reincarnation junk...but a few years ago, ya know like real teeny years. When I think about this I think of that oh so famous Taylor Swift song, 15, "Cause when you're 15 somebody tells you they love you, your going to believe it", yeah that one. For the example I'm giving however, the words "I love you" were never said. But you know those moments adults always talk about when you know you are in love? Like, your heart beats crazily and you feel almost sick to your stomach every time you talk to that person. Or you become sweaty at the palms and all you can do is laugh at everything they say even when it's not even that funny. Its moments like these we should reflect on and ask ourselves, is that love? For me, when I was a freshman I had those feelings. This particular person in mind would make me giggle that nervous laugh and he would make my heart beat funny in a good way. Everytime I heard his voice or thought about him all I could do was smile. He made everything seem perfect and that nothing would ever hurt me. Ha, unfortunately in the end I was hurt. I had all these feelings that added up and equalled LOVE. Or so I thought. Now, when I think someone is in love, I feel that that certain connection between the two could never be broken and its forever. This love bond that I thought I had broke over three years finally. There was no real goodbye, no true relationship in it. It all seemed too good to be true. In fact it was, because the relationship never went anywhere past friends. Of course there were some circumstances that played a part in that which hindered moving past friends, but for some reason I still fell in love....literally. And now I look back at this "relationship" as to the reason I find it hard to fall back in love. I fell once...hint "fell" and got hurt. Who wants to fall when falling ends with pain and hurt? The reason I'm writing this blog is not to call anyone out but simply to help explain to others why I don't give in and why I have a hard time loving back the way a girlfriend should. I'm sure I will eventually grow out this mindset, but for now I hold true to it. I don't regret ever feeling the way I felt toward my "first love" but I do regret letting the falsified relationship ruin me in such a way. Lesson learned, don't fall to deep into someone unti you are sure you are ready to get hurt because with love comes pain and its expected...needless to say its definately not a bonus to it but its definately a feature to beware of. More like a warning label.

It's November...

It's been a while since I've written, just haven't had much time to do my expressions here; i've had to actually write papers for school that are well constructed and graded..yuck. So here it is, now the end of November. Thanksgiving was awesome, I had a lot of family in town and ate a lot of food. Other than that, Novembers been pretty great. A lot of things on my mind over the past few weeks, some good and some bad....but that's fairly normal. I've had many ups and downs as well dealing with new and old friendships. That's my latest update and now for some creativity...

Dreams only come true so often. We imagine forever but sooner or later the dreams must end and reality has to sink in. My psychology class has taught me about dreams and why we dream what we do. Certain dreams appear because we want that to happen and some are out of pure future events awaiting to happen. Depending on the events taken place while we are dreaming depends upon our rest mood, whether are angry or had a rough day or anxious about something to come. To be technical we dream to interpret information, activation synthesis, and development according to Sigmund Freud. Dreams help up fulfill our wishes or wants in life within a contained environment. When we remember a dream from every detail its called, Manifest content. Now, despite the facts I have given you, why do you feel you dream what you do? Is it your creativity or is it what you want?

Depending upon my day before I go to bed I believe has a huge influence on my dreams. If I had a bad day my dreams normally are not too pretty, visually or emotionally. On the contrary if I dream of good things wtih bright visions I've normally had a good day. I feel dreams tell a lot about a person. If you get someone to interpret your dreams for a week straight I'm pretty sure they could tell a lot about you before doing any prior interviewing. Making this notation, I'd love for someone to interpret some dreams I've had. I recently dreamt of driving places in a car....but the whole time the cars gears were in neutral!?!? Please explain that, because I feel I'm moving forward in my life...now that I think about it...I'm moving forward in my school life but nothing else really....hmm?

I think we should all take a look at what we dream about a little harder and analyze ourselves what we think they mean. After that, explain to a close friend what happened and see what they think it means. So sleep on this blog and sweet dreams :)

Cravings...at this particular moment

I was driving home from lunch with my mom and got these intense cravings for life:
1.carve a pumpkin
2.direct a commercial for candy
3.be in a rap/hip hop music video with gangsta sweat pants
4.go sky diving
5.run for miles without loosing breath
6.wearing a vintage dress and sitting in the middle of a field to read
7.painting the house
8.raking leaves
9.giving all my clothes away
10.going to the laundry mat to wash my comforter

that's basically it. gah i think half of those will happen :)

visions in my night view

Visions In My Night View

Below are these little lights that shine brightly,
like a bright light; reminds me of my childhood.
Right in my natural view is the big dipper, shining like it has never shinned before,
Can’t help but to admire the beauty of the sky at night,
I am taken back by my emotions; they rush from one extreme to another
Soundtrack playing on random; however all on the right tracks.
I want to stay here forever, being memorized by this sleepless night.
Imagining the future and the present,
The weight of one bears more than the other.
My mind stays contently focused to the sounds of the music
My eyes are glued to fire balls lighting this nights sky.
Satisfied to a petite, I want more.
I dream. I wonder. I realize.

When will we be ready?

My intentions made were never meant to hurt you. The things I said were not false, they did come from the heart. However, I am one to listen to my mind over my heart. Eventually in time I will learn to follow whats in my heart. I know right now is not the time for me to be involved in something. I need to figure out where i want to be. Time is an essence and I can only use it to my advantage.

We all have plenty of time to figure out where we want to be. Everyones different, some settle early others later and some....never. It shouldn't matter how long you take to figure out where you want to be in life, it should be respected. Growing up is only a small part of life, planning out what your life has in store for you is another. We fall in love and fall out of love. Things just happen like that. It's not a bipolar disorder, its just learning how to balance out what your heart and mind say. I can honestly say I've listened to my heart once and it hurt. That's why I lean towards my mind more. When something feels right it makes my heart beat faster than ever. It gets all tingly and I just can't seem to ease the feeling. I guess you can call that "love" but it just doesn't happen when I like someone, it's when I'm happy. . . . .

Tonight....

*lost*

For a nineteen year old I feel I have grown strongly in my relationship with myself. I'm not saying that I know everything about life and have a full grip on my decision but I am confident on what I currently have made decisions on. We are always told "our future lies in our hands" and we are the ones who hold the keys; true this saying is. We can regret decisions made or we can pat ourselves on the back. Unfortunately I have regreted many decisions I've made this summer. These choices I've made have been completely followed by heart over mind. Not always is this a good idea because I am constantly battling with the two opposites. Never have I had my heart and mind work together, I think this makes things extremely difficult. Coincidently I had this battle just the other day. My mind tells me no because that's what I hear from my peers, but my heart is just jumping for joy! I'm not sure if its the thought that everyone thinks its wrong for me to go that way or if it's because I really do think it's what I want. Doing something spontanious isn't really my style but this go 'round I want to be. Why does he make me think this way? My eyes light up and my heart pounces at the thought. I want to strengthen a bit in the love. section. Ha, laugh yes because I'm still, to myself even, too young to be in love. That's why I'm not ready to develop one of those relationships. Eventually my time will come and yes, love will find me. I'm not one to seek it, I will let it find me. Cliche? No. I'm just not in a rush to be in love like some people. I have a few years to settle myself into this real world before I want someone else to fall into my picture. Neither is this selfish.

Haven't Written in a While

Its been about half way through summer break and my summer has been nothing but crazy. I've gone non-stop with work, babysitting, house sitting, beach trips, and visits to friends. It seems hard to find a moment for myself or as Anthony calls it, "Sam Time". The only "Sam Time" I get seems to be early in the morning until about lunch. Which is quite relaxing because thats when I can do things like this and clean my room. The mornings are peaceful and the earlier i get up the better off I am because I can accomplish more. Now Im not one to sit around ALL day so around four I'm usually heading out the door right past my parents. Oh parents, that is one topic I need to touch on. So like I said Im hardly ever home when they are. When I am home while they are there, they say " Who are you?", "What's your name again?" Kinda fustrating but I deal. Anyways, the summer break has been marvelous. I got to spend a whole week as a nice condo babysitting for a few hours a day. I had an awesome time and would do it anytime! After that I attended the beach with my good friend kelly only to pay off her speeding ticket but it was an experience of a trip for sure :) *NOTE: Don't go during the time of grad week if you've already gone, you realize how dumb you were.* That note was taken. Not to say that all of the people I saw were, but majority of them were. From there I was babysitting for two weeks straight 8am-5pm every day. *NOTE(again): I'm not ready to work 8am-5pm days yet* Nice money but still too long of day for me. In the mean time, I somehow managed to purchase a male black lab 8wk old puppy whom is now 11 weeks and still a biter! Ouchy. His name is Henry Norman after both my grandpas. My summer has just been FILLED almost to capacity and I think Im going to retire early! Ha.

What Are We Waiting For?

“Open the eyes of my heart Lord, open the eyes of my heart. I want to see You, I want to see You”
This verse from a quite popular Christian song was what I awoke to this morning. I had my alarm set on 106.9 because I felt I needed to hear something from God. In the true sense of it all I’ve basically taken a “vacation” from God and the Bible. It’s hard for me to really understand why I allowed myself to do so. By all means I am not proud of my actions taken, but I am simply trying to fix it now.
You know when you start feeling like you have, as quoted by a good friend, “all your ducks in a row” but then at the very end of that row is one odd ball. Just something isn’t quite right? Well that’s how I began to feel not too long ago. I began to feel like something deep was missing in my life. I had everything else fairly lined up except one; God. I had left him strangling along and trying to find somewhere to fit in. This whole time I have just been saying,”I don’t have time. I’m sorry. I will get back to you later.” Well that’s obviously not the right answer. That’s not what God wanted to hear and He knew that’s not what I meant. So for over a year now he has been fighting for this position in line, to be somewhere embedded along with all the others pieces.
Recently He has been able to fit into that line and actually stand out. I’m not sure if current events are the reason for this sudden uplifting or if I really did have a moment to spare. I feel like now I am able to allow God to jump right up to the front again and fill me in on what I’ve missed out on. It’s like an old friend you haven’t seen in year. God and I, we have a lot of catching up to do. Considering God is to be like your best friend, real easy to communicate with and allows you to be yourself I am willing to allow Him back in. I feel as if He can lift the burdens and I know he can take away a lot of the pain because from past experiences that’s what He did. He has opened my eyes to better things and allowed me to worship Him in amazing environments.

love.

At this age could I truly fall in love? I’m not quite sure if that is possible for those around me to believe. At the age of nineteen do we know what love is? Quite frankly, I think we do not. We have so much to learn and to understand before we know what true love is. But, then again, what if we have a sense? We may not feel fully in love at that particular moment but afterwards we do. After the pain and suffering of breaking up you start to miss that person. You miss their smile, their voice, their laughter, their smell, their over individuality. They made you something different, or should I say yourself. You weren’t afraid to be yourself and be judged for it. They liked you for who you were and didn’t want anything different. Sadly, we don’t realize this until after we have been cut off from communication with this individual. The feelings of being comforted by that person have been gone and we begin to suffer…..again. Now for my own experience, I must say when you have been broken up for a few months little things bring back those memories; memories we loved and miss. Sometimes I catch myself thinking and dreaming and then saying “Why? Why, did it have to end?” I think I got afraid, afraid to keep moving forward, afraid of being too serious, and getting caught in the moment like some of my friends have. I never really felt like I was “in love” by any means. However, the more I ponder back and think of what things could have been, I fear love was in that image. Above all else, we learn from our mistakes and grow from others; I feel I have and have a better sense in what I need and want in life.