Spring Cleaning

To collobrate the feelings I've been having, those feelings that have been tied into a little, tiny, one inch bottle, filled with a million emotions is ready to burst. It is ready to explode and start fresh. I'm ready to start over with a new emotion and new feelings. I'm tired of living in the past and looking into the future. I'm ready to live in the present and look into the future. Although today I am sick, and so my feelings are a little rambled, I can say, I am no longer confused, no longer debating with myself, no longer seeking to retreive the past. I am ready to move two steps forward and maybe one step back.
It is time to start fresh because well quite frankly it is Spring time. I believe in new beginnings and being something. I want to stand my ground more than I have ever stood it. I want to scream off a mountain top and not care what it does to my vocal cords. I want to run my life without hesitation without stupid massive speed bumps(like the ones on the intramural side of UNC-Charlotte campus). I'm ready to be something in my life, do what I want to do again, and not let anyone, or anything take that away from me.
I guess in all reality I'm going to be ME.

I Just Needed This...

In times of hurt and pain sometimes I just enjoy to write. I am able to express my emotions whether someone else can understand it or not. I can say what I feel in so many ways, I know what it means. I don't do this to simply let everyone know how I'm feeling, I do this for myself. It's the easiest way to tell myself what I feel and what I think. I can reread it and reflect later on. You may ask then why don't you do this on a piece of paper, when simply I feel like it doesn't matter. This is organized, I'm an organized person....I want my thoughts and emotions to run in this same stream.

This expression is simply from the heart. A lot of ideas, memories, thoughts, moments, whatever have been drilling my head. I can't think anymore about it. I am unable to grasp and make sense of everything at once. I wish things would smoothly run out one at a time peacefully, unfortunately I know for a fact they won't. Do you ever feel that for one moment in your life when things are going great for you, something in the back of your head says "life isn't this great" ? Something will always come back to ruin your day, your perfect moment, your dream. That's just how life seems to always go. We are granted these "perfect" days for a time frame and then one heavy weight just comes crashing down on your parade. We can never be fully happy. But don't you just hate when things are finally getting back to normal and then seven different thoughts fly into your head and they are all negative. It's like running into a brick wall and you just keep hitting it...you can't bust around it for nothing.

Its like you hit this wall you try to bust through it again but you just bounce right back. Funny sounded image maybe but your trying so hard to get past it all and you just get hurt even more? For something to become good again things have to get worse first. That's just one of those golden rules I've always heard. No matter what things get worse before getting better. Which in my mind, is insane.

My mind fills with all this negativity I can't help it but burst into tears. You just don't understand why now, why this moment. What have I done to deserve this? I mean hey, we all make mistakes maybe its just God's way of punishing us for stupid actions we decided to take. I know for a fact I have made some poor choices but we learn our lessons. We learn to grow from the mistakes we made to only become better and stronger people. I have made my fair share and I believe in this past year I have learned more than I have ever had. It's quite interesting.

What hurts the most though, is when you know you are going through this hard time but you feel like no one is there to support you or comfort you. You feel like everyone is your enemy and your at a lost of whom to talk to. So what do you do? Type how you feel in facebook to the world...write a blog like I have? No, you talk to the one, the one who can and will always be there. He's your best friend and will be all ears and in time will reply. No, I'm not talking about your dog, I'm talking about God. He is everyones best friend and father. He will never leave your side even when he may not be next to yours. You CAN count on him. God has his way of listening and returning your prayers. That's what I love about him, I know he's good. I can trust him and ask him to forgive me. He is one of the most forgiving people I know.

When you are hurting or sad try hard not to wear it on your face and let the world know. Just talk to the man, God and clear out your mind rest your eyes and allow him to work his wonders. Your best friend doesn't need to know everything in your life. In fact sometimes, I know personally I feel I can't go to my best friend because I feel like she could care less. It's hard to find someone to talk to that actually will return advice for you, usually they just sit and smile and shrug. If I ask you to listen thats fine, but if I seem to want advice, GIVE IT!

Basically emotions get the best of me and I find it easy to write them here without being judge. If you want to judge me go ahead, you won't hurt me. I have worse things to worry about.